Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
