I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
