Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
