Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
