he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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