and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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