i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
