Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
