So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
