Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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