I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
where are my eyebrows?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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