so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
