how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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