I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
