Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
