i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
