Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
