i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
