i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I smell like Dick and happiness
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
