At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
