now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
