I didn't shave. On purpose
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
