Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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