Im at strip club and am horny
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's the barista slut.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
