JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
