Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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