I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
