did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
