I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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