Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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