I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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