you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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