Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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