Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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