my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
