i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize