i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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