please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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