Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
