found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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