Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
