he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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