i think my mom watched the whole time
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
