the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
