I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
