Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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