So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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