I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
