the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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