I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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