My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
