so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
