Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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