A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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