I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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