You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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