if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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