Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
