i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize